Pandemic Anxiety

Yall Ever had Pandemic Anxiety?

Yeah me either...

I cannot even begin to describe what I am going through but I try not to complain seeing as how many people are losing loved ones and grieving right now. I must say, I am silently suffering.

You would think this would be an introverts dream...but not so. Sleep has become dreaded at night with a mixture of the shakes from my inhaler and shakes from anxiety. As i try to doze off i think about the many stories I've read of deaths due to the corona virus. The numerous stats of each city, state, country, and region running through my mind. The thought of my mother working in a senior citizen property while also being middle aged constantly on my mind. My own health tricking my mind. Am I sick? Is it Allergies? Is it Rona? Lord please dont let it be Rona, but no, I wake up and I'm fine, but by night, I'm worried again. 

As I enter day 11 of Quarintine I am starting to think that I am not strong enough for this. My mental state is not set up for this. My heart is too big  to see people in my family possibly leave this earth because of a virus. I never received training for this, where is the handbook? How will I ever come out of this okay? I've said this before but I feel like the sister on "Secret life of the bees" who bared the grievances of others, so much so that she took her own life after it became too much for her. I have always understood her. Having a desire to fix things knowing you cant for the people you love is a hard cross to bare. I'd much rather it be me.

Did I mention I left my job 3 days before this was considered officially a state of emergency? Can you imagine leaving income and benefits to try and find purpose and live out your dreams, to live a life, only to be told to sit in the house...

. alone, for weeks on end, with no income. Part of me believes God was removing me before I was forced to work around sick people while having asthma, the other part feels like this is just my luck.

I want to stay in good mental health, I want peace, I want to maintain sanity but I dont know how, I want to be the strong who feel comfortable leaving their home, who have all the faith in God. My faith is so limited and I feel like I keep trying to activate a super power that I dont have. This thing has me crippled mentally. One day I'm fine, and optimistic, but the realist in me has me fearful the next day. I am a prisoner in my own mind and I simply want to be set free.

Panic has wrecked havoc on the world thanks to media, government, and pure word of mouth. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to be one of "those" people who are basically losing it, but forgive me for dealing with depression and anxiety through a global pandemic. Were all a bit new at this,I try to allow myself to think that this is an over exaggeration and that it's not as bad as what is being reported, but I'm just not built that way.

 I'm logical, which leads me to read every report, article, and youtube conspiracy video, I want to know everything which is what has caused me to be in the unstable emotional state that I am in now. God knew what he was doing by not giving me children through this. I'm not sure how I'd deal. 

God is good though, i force myself to remember this, that regardless to what happens he kept me this long and i want to be grateful regardless of the outcome. My prayer is that I come out of this mentally whole, with a healthy and happy family. It simply cant go any other way. I fear my lack of strength is what could be the death of me more than any virus could ever be. 

2020...whatever it is I did, I'm sorry, please have mercy. God have mercy on us.

Lost

My bills are paid, ive been at my job almost 4 years, I can get most of what i want. Ive been promoted 3 times in 2 yrs on the job, I dont have drama. I mind my business and have few financial worries because im not rich but definitely not poor. Things i had to scrape up pennies for i can now get when needed, and i dont have to depend on anyone to do anything for me. And yet....

I battle depression. I cant cope with this loneliness. The security in having my own is no longer enough for me. My corporate job makes me feel stuck. I want to be wanted and needed but i push people away. I push people away to protect myself from hurt. I want to be my own boss, completely over punching a clock. Im gaining weight and something new is always wrong with my health. Ive lost my  closeness to God yet i feel God is near. I am miserable, cry all the time.... for reasons i dont know.

The clutter of these thoughts, good and bad, seem to now define me. How can I have most of what ive asked God for and still be unhappy? Simple....I am lost. 

Struggling to find purpose, to breathe, to find a reason to live and be okay. I would love to put action into my goals but i am physically pulled down by depression. I smile while out and about, strangers talk to me and think im nice. If they only knew. Theyre are impressed that I work at a bank and worked my way up. The little black girl that speaks well and works hard.... Lost.

The little black girl whom is awkward and strange, i dont fit in with anyone  anywhere. The black girl who is urban-emo and would rather disappear. Sometimes i wish i could be invisible to match how i feel. At least then id know it wasnt my personality that kept me this lonely......Lost.

I should probably seek help. Ask for direction, and pray for peace, but a small part of me is comfortable with the back and forth in my mind. With all that i go through mentally one would think i should tired... and i am. Ready to be found in the middle of being.....

Lost.

An open letter to God on the 31st year

Dear God,

Thank you, thank you a million times over. I could never actually thank you enough. Last year was pretty tough, rough around the edges, lonely, and a bunch of other stuff. I have no idea what 31 will bring, I pray it is better, I pray it is elevation, but most of all I pray that it is your will. I always pray for wisdom, because wisdom is always needed, but this year I pray for courage, to step out on faith and do things i've always wanted to do, to do what's best for me, and to say whatever it is that I need to say. I am so ready for so many things, but as usual I don't know where to start, so yes, wisdom is what I always ask for, but courage is what I need. I have grown so much, and I am extremely blessed. I thank you for favor and unconditional love. I have yet to find that kind of love on earth. I thought this letter would be longer but I talk to you so much that there is literally not much left to say. Continue to walk by my side daily, today is your day as well as mine, today you gave life to your child, and continue to do so. For that I am grateful.

Amen.

Happy birthday to me.  

Have you ever cried for 5 days straight?

I have......

This morning I was awake but my eyes were still shut, my first thought was how I played a card game called 500 with my grandmother almost every day, and got jealous if someone else sat down to play with us. Now my eyes are open, and I am in tears. 

Yesterday (Sunday the 6th) I ran across a video of my grandma on my aunts page. I cried for a good 20 minutes because it was just a few days before she passed. She didn't really want to eat, we all knew then it was only a matter of time.

Saturday the 5th, I woke to memories of her again, and I cried. I cried seeing all of my family on facebook sharing statuses and photos. I cried after I hung up from talking to my cousin about how she broke the news to her daughter that her best friend was gone. Why should a 6 year old have to endure this kind of pain, and yet she got more life preparation than I did when it comes to death in the family. I knew nothing of it until now. My anxiety was on 1000.

Friday the 4th, I instantly woke up to tears. I cried while getting dressed, and I cried while having breakfast. The first official day without Leana. At work that whole day I was outside of myself. I did not cry, and I faked a smile or two. My co-workers came and hugged me while I helped members on the phone. They don't even know how much I needed that. But I said nothing. I got home, in my comfort zone and cried, for hours.

November 3rd 2016. I cried the hardest that morning. I was ready for work, had gotten myself in a good mood, and then there was the phone call that took my breath away. I cried, called my job and my mother to check on her. After that call I dropped slowly to the floor like a child having a temper tantrum in tears. I laid there awhile and cried my heart out. My next thought was to get up and go check on my auntie who had delivered the news and happened to live right next door. She was fine. From there I arrive to her home where she was still there.....lifeless. It was quiet, nothing but tears and sorrow filled the house. I broke down before I could even make it to her room to see her laying there as a shell, no life in her. One of my aunties in the bed with her hugging her face. That whole day every single one of my family members broke down, and when one was done breaking down, they would build the strength up to hold someone else as they broke down.

The funeral home shows up to take her away, and my brother just barely makes it in the door. He breaks down like I have never seen before, I can remember his tears being so big I could see them fall to the floor. I tried to be strong for him, knowing we weren't on the best of terms, but in my mother's absence it was my job to hold him up. I led him to her room so he could get one more glance of her before she was taken away. I watched men in my family that I haven't seen cry since children be broken down. I watched my whole family gather around that van with my grandmother closed up inside , and they cried even harder. There was no one to hold so many of us up, so we all allowed ourselves to lose it.

After that we cracked jokes and brung up old memories because its not like a Roberson to not crack a joke, even in the saddest moment. It was the roughest day probably of all of our lives and we still found the time to laugh. We laughed in her honor, because she was the funniest, feistiest, loudest, lady alive.

It has been 5 days since my grandmother left this earth and to say that I am devastated is an understatement. Yes I know she was 87 years old, and yes I know that death is natural......but this one, this one is hard to swallow.

Never in my life have I felt a love so unconditional than that of my grandmother, not a selfish bone in her body when it came to me or anyone else. I waited for the day to come when she would no longer be around dreading it, knowing that the kind of love she has for me no one else has outside of Jesus. And only Jesus knows what a blow this is to my family, hell, even to other families.

30 years of life and not one family death. That is 30 years of life taking for granted everyone that I love. Why would God give me so much time to not really grasp the concept of grief, that kind of sheltering isn't healthy. Yet I dare not question what isn't for me to understand.

I've dealt with two deaths this year. One of a dear friend, and the other my whole life..... my grandma. 2016 is a year I want to forget. Some good things have occurred and we always hope that the good outweighs the bad, but in this case, I have nothing left to give to this year. I just want a new one. My goals have changed. All i want is to be a better person so that I can make it to heaven and see my granny again.

Things are different now. I feel like I should be somewhere better, doing something else. Instead of here...... by myself....crying.

To anyone dealing who has dealt with grief that I wasn't so sensitive to, i'm sorry. I  now understand. I never knew such a pain existed, but I pray for strength everyday. Strength for me and my family, and the peace to simply move on.

R.I.H Grandma Leana Roberson

Brian

The World suffered a loss in the past week, even worse then me, because at least I got a chance to know my friend, at least I got the chance to learn him and know what he likes and dislikes, at least I got the chance to learn how big his heart was, but in the end, his big heart wasn't enough for someone else. Someone who thought it was okay to take his life if they couldnt fully have his heart, and their selfishness has left me in grief.....me and so many others.

I cannot get over this, I cannot shake it, some days I barely think about it, and then im awaken to his last minutes playing in my head, even if I wasn't there I have a vision of his last moments, and I am livid, I am angry, I am so hurt. I'm also scared. I'm scared I will lose all my memories of him, i'm scared I will lose another person in my life before I get a chance to finish grieving this loss.

I feel like I am not allowed to smile, yet that is all he would want me to be doing. I feel that how dare I ever again take life so loosely knowing that there is someone who will never get to live again. I feel so sorry for my friend, I hate that he had to die the way that he did, so helpless, in pain. I keep making up scenarios in my head as to what would have happened If I was there that day, or if I had invited him to my house to hang out so he would not have had to be there.

But God has a plan, I don't know it, and I can't say I like it, but what God says goes, and he has his reasons for everything, and maybe......just maybe, heaven needed Brian more than I did. 

The baby of Team Legal, the shadiest of them all, my petty spirit animal who was not afraid to think he was the finest thing walking, and if you didn't think you were beautiful, he would tell you that you were. Brian I miss you so much........I cannot understand this for the life of me. I cannot fix my mouth to say that this was fair. Even a week later I can't shake it. To know I will only see you through still photos, 15 second videos, and my memories simply isn't enough.

Until we meet again my friend, and I hope the rumors arent true, that when you get to heaven you don't remember anyone......I hope right off the back I know who you are, and that we can go back to throwing shade and laughing.

Please come back......

P.S. Shade the bear is doing great. I hug on him everyday. That day at Dave & Buster's I named him after you for fun, we joked that Shade would be your Godchild because you were not getting one from me anytime soon. I had no idea that this stuffed bear would become so sentimental, and if anyone touches shade....I will take them out.

Hey 2016

Well of course I had to blog at least for the New Year!

If you are reading this then you can readily assume that I made it to the new year just as you have. I feel extremely blessed this January 1st. I have a lot to look forward to. Last year I did some new year's resolutions and I met some of them and some I didn't. This year I have just a few, a very small few. 2015 was actually nice to me, it wasn't overly generous but it was nice. It was such a "wait out" year, I had to wait for so many things to take place, so I guess it was a test of my patience. I remember saying 2014 was a year of revelation and understanding, and learning. Once I was done learning and I remember not hating 2014 but being happy to see it go. It isn't the same for 2015, of course I've had my moments because I suffer from some introverted behaviors, but I can say I enjoyed 2015. I took my first trip alone, I got TWO promotions, I had my graduation....all accomplishments for me. I also had some tough moments at the very beginning and near the end but God has saw me through it. I also realized that once I got on my feet people didn't see it for me as much anymore because I have not been able to be the shoulder or helper when I'm too busy trying to do something for myself, a lot of people have switched up on me, and some have surprised me not offering the same support that I have given a million times over. I used to be so TEAM EVERYBODY ELSE, and the minute I became team me people got a little......different. Overall I am okay. I am close to happiness, not quite there but once I realized happiness was up to me I took some steps forward instead of backwards and I can truly say I am officially a grown woman.

BTW

Did I mention I made over 1000 Views??? I mean sure enough my blog has been up and running for almost two years, but I rarely blog, maybe once every few months so that's a big deal to me, especially since my blog started off just to be a diary of some sort. I think its cool, some day a bunch of introverts will run across my blog and understand over all where I was coming from, but now on to my three or four little resolutions for 2016.

1. Stop Complaining: I remember coming home from California and telling a certain someone that they complained too much, now I don't know if it is just the natural spirit of Michiganders to complain or what, but I have most certainly let that spirit jump on me and I am so mad about it. I remember just being so thankful that I wasn't in the same position that I had left so I was very humbled and just didn't understand complaining, I want to get back to that. It made me so much more pleasant.

2. Fight laziness: I want everything to come easy to me. Daily I make jokes with my coworkers that the things I complain about having to do are "First World Problems" Meaning America has it bad complaining about doing the most simple things yet other Countries have to do so much more and would kill to have it that easy. Just little things like walking pass a piece of paper on the floor continuously and never picking it up.....its so dumb, but I can be lazy. I also always have these grand ideas about what I am going to do and then never do them because it takes too much research and too many steps. I don't want to miss any blessings playing around with laziness.

3. Be more positive: I want to look forward to work, look forward to waking up in the morning, to the future, to everything. I had a way more positive outlook on life two years ago, maybe because I was banking on the hope, faith, and prayer that life would get better, and now that it has I'm not even humble about it. I just want God to have the glory when it comes to my life, if it had not been for the lord I don't know where I would be.

4. The all time favorite, get healthy: This is on everyone's list, but for the last few months my health has been questionable, I mean I have always been a sick kid, but I haven't been feeling well a lot, and Anxiety has kicked up so many notches in life I have meds for it! I need some zen, some green tea, some veggies, vitamins, and fruit because something is off. I just want to take better care of myself.

That's about it for me. I just want to keep doing what I have been doing and keep my relationship with God strong, which I have kind of been slacking on. We all fall short I guess, but continue to pray for me if you find the time, and if you are reading and haven't entered your season yet, just know that it comes with time.....all things do.

The Third Year

So......today Marks the 3rd year since I left California. I didn't really reflect the last two years because there was no reason to, I was too busy trying to get myself together to go back to such a negative moment but this year was different.  When I read back the statuses leading up to leaving I realized I was extremely unhappy, and in a not so good place. I remember feeling a whole helluva lot of weight lifted off of my shoulders when I made the decision to leave. I remember being so excited to get back to home, to more of a support system. I felt soooooooooooooo alone in that time, I remember thinking that I really didn't deserve to feel THAT alone, and yet I kind of preferred it. I'd rather be REALLY alone then have people around me and STILL be alone.

Fast forward and......I am in a similar situation, yet so much more prepared, so much more mature, and a bit more established. Its crazy how a little hurt and downfall prepares you for the NEXT time it happens even though you prayed hard to God that you would never have to feel that way again. There is going to be a shift in my life, with just as much in the "Unknown" Department as three years ago, but I've come to terms with it. I've come to terms with the fact that it will ALWAYS be just me and God.

I wish I was happier, I wish I was more confident in my future, truth is i'm not, but I know that with God I'm good over here. I am YEARNING for increase and GOOD change......and I know it starts with me.....I just wish I KNEW where to start. In just two-three months I will be hitting 30 years old. What I asked God for in turning 30 is sort of what I'm getting, but not exactly how I asked for it......such is life I guess.

I feel a little blindsided......I can't understand for the life of me why I have to learn things the hard way when I am such an understanding person, it doesnt take much for me to "Get It". There are people out here living hard and wild, who don't listen and probably never will.....but me......someone who has been a careful Kathy my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.....has to get the life lessons in such a ridiculous way. I hate questioning God because it always makes sense in the end......but in the moment, it just never feels good.

Anyway, three years later I am in another season of change......Lets see how this goes.